I’m back!

I started this blog 5 years ago when I was 20, on to my last summer as a student, heavily involved with my college org, and had a lot of time on my hands. I stopped writing when my first job took even my personal hours (and my life) away from me and simply had no time to share my stories.

Now, I’m halfway through my 20s and running my own business. I finally have my fair share of personal time; finally went on a long and well-deserved vacation; and finally ticking off my goals one by one.

One of my goals this year is to start writing again so I do hope I get to update this more often.

I’m back!

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A Love Affair with the Ateneo

I finally got around to writing a post about my college graduation.

For the longest time, I already knew that I wanted to go to Ateneo. Probably because of the hype surrounding the Blue Eagles every time UAAP season comes along but I didn’t know exactly why. There is no one in my immediate family who graduated from that university. Most of them came from DLSU-Manila and UP-Diliman. I didn’t really think about seriously going to college there until fourth year HS when we started filling out college application forms. I remember going to the Ateneo campus for the first time before I took my UPCAT to submit my application form and feeling so enamored, which I’m happy to say I still felt everyday when I went to school. I can also still remember finding out I passed the ACET at our class outreach and trying to convince my parents that I wanted to go to Ateneo.

To be honest, I really don’t know what to say about my university life. I can say all the usual things, such as I met my friends for life in university, I learned so much, Philo and Theo changed my life, etc., and it’s true. I’m thankful for my Jesuit education despite the sleepless nights having to study for my Philo and Theo (in Filipino!) orals, having to finish a Histo play and a tank that can fit people for a water fight designed as a Greek mythology character for Battle of Bel at the same time, experiencing two summers in Europe representing the Philippines through singing  and performing with the ACGC (the awards and trophies were just a big bonus!), choosing to take a legendary professor even if it meant there was a chance to fail (hi Fr. Dacanay), celebrating my 20th birthday with a performance at a cultural show (Brindis) then having one of the worst carpool rides going home (3 hours from Katipunan to Alabang, leaving at 10PM) then having to wake up an hour later to get ready for a 10-hour JEEP insertion at SM Fairview then having to fill out our forms for our Schengen VISA then crashing to my bed when I got home at 6:30PM.

But probably the best things I experienced in Ateneo were those moments, and I would choose to do the same thing over and over if I had to.

I’ll miss seeing the falling leaves as I drive inside the campus, rushing to class before the second bell from MVP301, rehearsing until 9PM and running to carpool to get home, walking along the Red Brick Road especially after my night classes, hearing people discuss Kant, Aristotle, Scott Peck, Philippine Histo and IQMCN all in one conversation, supporting different org events from watching PAC performances to buying balloons and what-nots from the Doghouse, fearing going to class because of terror profs but eventually feeling thankful at the end of a semester because it changed your life, seeing the campus light up at night during the Christmas season.. what an endless list.

To everyone who made the past 4 years one of the best so far, thank you from the bottom of my heart:
Block G
Block M(anresa)
BF-Alabang Hills Carpool
ACGC
Fr. Dacanay, Ma’m Angeles, Sir Calano, Sir Tirol, Srta. Young, Sir Tanny, Ma’m Carlos
ACGC Batch 2009/2013
Mom, Dad, Ica, Gaby, Fonso, Rafy, Belle, Lance

Thank you, Ateneo. For everything. AMDG.

The Past Two Months

Been writing a lot lately and so I decided to inject my blog with pictures. I’m down to my last 4 months and two weeks in Ateneo and it’s goodbye university forever! I’m still not sure if it’s a yay or a nay but.. here’s how my last two months have been.

Attended my last Ateneo UAAP game (Finals Game 2 vs UST!) as a student

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Watched the game with two of my closest friends from Glee Club, Dom and Yorro

Continue reading The Past Two Months

An Open Letter

Nov. 19, 2012. 1:38PM.

Christopher,

Hi. I wasn’t planning on writing a letter, actually, so I don’t know the point of this. I’ll just be randomly writing stuff, I hope you’ll be able to comprehend.

This will most likely be the last thing you will get from me after we talk tomorrow. The past months made me realize that I need to accept things for what they truly are — you are no longer mine and I am no longer yours. It was so hard to put that into words, let alone to say it out loud because it makes it seem more real. I was wrong when I said I wanted to forget about everything. I don’t want to erase any memory of you that I have. I simply want to accept. Accept that things between us will never be the same. And though I have started to do so, I admit it’s been hard. How do you get over more than two years of being happily in love? Whenever I see the places we’ve been to, encounter things we used to talk about, things we used to dream about, plans we’ve made together — it still stings. It was you and me but now it’s just me. It’s not easy to tell my brain and my heart to get used to being just Daniella and no more Christopher. Most nights are getting better but some still long for you and our talks.

If you’re wondering how I really have been since I last saw you, I don’t think I’m the same person anymore. Yes, I miss you and I still think about you and you’re still special to me and I care more than you’ll ever know, more than anyone else will understand. But I got tired of crying, of trying to hold on to only the memories. I am nothing special to you anymore and I finally realized that. Promises can really be broken, plans erased and a person that used to catch me whenever I needed someone just disappeared. Once I’ve accepted that, days were increasingly bearable and happier but the nights were more of an on and off idea but it’s okay. I know it’s something I need to go through by myself.

I’m in no hurry to replace you. Actually, no one can replace you. You’ll always be my one and only college sweetheart. You taught me so many things about myself, about relationships and about love. You made me blissfully happy, all 26 months and the months leading to May 28, 2010. Thank you for making me feel special, for being there when I’m unbearable, for understanding even when it hurts. Thank you for letting me love your family as well, especially your mom who became mine for awhile as well. Thank you for two memorable birthdays and two amazing Valentines. Thank you for all the breakfast, lunch, dinner dates, the simple surprises you did to see me, random sweet texts and videos, recordings. Thank you for your stolen kisses, warm and tight hugs, restful naps sleeping beside each other. All the Skype conversations, late at night phone calls, music making, playing and getting to know my family, attending my concerts even when you don’t want to. John Mayer — thanks for bringing me to my very first legit concert. Thank you for teaching me how to love completely and deeply.

I can still remember that sweet, adorable, smart (ass), weird yet mababaw, eccentric Christopher I first met. And although so many things have changed, I know someone else will find those same qualities and will cherish them even more.

I don’t know what will happen to us in the future. Lets see. After today, please don’t contact me anymore, not even to like my tweets. If you need anything from me, you can contact Gaby. Please be strong for me as well — it’s going to be better in the long run. I need to get used to not being with you anymore and I hope you respect that.

Know that no matter what happens, I’ll always be thinking of you. Always take care. Stay happy. I want to see you smile again the next time I see you, the smile I taught you 🙂

I’ll miss you.

Daniella.

Pain and Vulnerability

Any emotionally painful experience automatically makes you scared of becoming vulnerable again when the time comes.

I’m scared shitless to experience this pain again. It’s not even about wanting to be with him anymore; I’ve gotten past that. Although I still miss him some nights, I know he’s not the boy I fell in love with anymore. It’s both sweet and sad to think about all the good and happy memories we had and it still stings knowing he’s gotten past it while I’m slowly trudging to heal my heart. I feel like I was stripped off all the pride I had in myself and everything that followed it (strength and personal happiness) after what happened and it’s not coming back as fast as I want it to.

I don’t want to feel this pain anymore. Or ever. The feeling of someone giving up on you or falling out of love while you were fighting until the last thin thread — I still feel stupid when I think about it sometimes. It’s easy to cloud my mind during the day but being alone at night, feelings continue to haunt me once in awhile. It’s taking so much of me not to breakdown or at least, trying not to show it in front of anyone.

I know I’m going to get through this, becoming stronger eventually. I know it’s going to be better then, happier as well. But I’m still scared, still worried, still vulnerable. I don’t want to be like this anymore.