Pain and Vulnerability

Any emotionally painful experience automatically makes you scared of becoming vulnerable again when the time comes.

I’m scared shitless to experience this pain again. It’s not even about wanting to be with him anymore; I’ve gotten past that. Although I still miss him some nights, I know he’s not the boy I fell in love with anymore. It’s both sweet and sad to think about all the good and happy memories we had and it still stings knowing he’s gotten past it while I’m slowly trudging to heal my heart. I feel like I was stripped off all the pride I had in myself and everything that followed it (strength and personal happiness) after what happened and it’s not coming back as fast as I want it to.

I don’t want to feel this pain anymore. Or ever. The feeling of someone giving up on you or falling out of love while you were fighting until the last thin thread — I still feel stupid when I think about it sometimes. It’s easy to cloud my mind during the day but being alone at night, feelings continue to haunt me once in awhile. It’s taking so much of me not to breakdown or at least, trying not to show it in front of anyone.

I know I’m going to get through this, becoming stronger eventually. I know it’s going to be better then, happier as well. But I’m still scared, still worried, still vulnerable. I don’t want to be like this anymore.

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